Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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