I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
