im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
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