Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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