Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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