I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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