if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Randomize