Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
