stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
