Yo dont text me then not text me
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
