Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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