Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
