i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
