Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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