I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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