my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
