i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
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