apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
