Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize