What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Randomize