The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Randomize