dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
