Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
