I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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