I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I think I just sharted jello shots
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
