I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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