Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
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