Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
