I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
