I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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