giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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