Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
