My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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