his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
