On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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