Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Randomize
