You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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