yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
