why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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