I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
