She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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