Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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