Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
time to smoke my breakfast
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Randomize
