What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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