apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Randomize
