I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
