so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
