Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
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