I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
