Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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