I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize