every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
no you cant smoke seaweed
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
