her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
