i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
