my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
